Fibromyalgia you hold me in your embrace.
If I fight with you, if I don’t like you
I am rejecting my very self.
I will learn to love and accept you
and I will expand it to myself
so well that I don’t need your help anymore.
That is the way to go. And have I not tried?
‘I am ready, I am ready’, please hear my cry.
I AM ready to walk free; pain free.
Your love is suffocating me.
I feel like you might extinguish me.
The pain I feel is crippling me.
Is it limiting me?
Or do you push me on and on to look deeper into me.
I am trying to love you because what else can I do?
They say God works in mysterious ways.
There is no pill to take, no remedy, no cure.
With fibro there is no get out clause,
no opt out, not trap door.
I must look you face on,
cannot evade what I must see….
I have to keep on looking into the depth of me.
No longer on the run…
that used up my reserves,
took me right up to collapse,
ignored all signs that I needed to replenish
from the inside out.
And how would I have known
if you had not slowed me down,
shown me how to walk and then to crawl
and at times how not to move at all.
Stamina had been the game and the aim;
an endurance test I set myself
to punish me for all I’d failed to be.
I was living beyond my capacity
Stretched to the limit of my elasticity
Fibro you saved me from the snap that was sure to come,
allowed me to release,
slowed me down, let me down…
You saved my life
and yet I treat you like you took it from me.
Let me remember gratitude
in every slowed down step
as the beauty along the wayside soaks into me,
nourishes me, expands my heart,
reaches me, joins with me,
until I tire once again,
retreat to home,
rest my body ache,
let the dull pain hurt from neck to toe.
‘Oh fibro, I am ready, I am ready now.
Please let me go.’
I trust that this is true
as I am guided step by step
to peel away the layers
and move closer to the core of me
now to emerge delicately
as the newly born pain free me.
FM you have tuned me in and tuned me out
with static in between;
Canary in the mine
of the molecules of chemicals.
You know what’s in the air
and keep me from harm.
Hear me out or shoot me down.
And light too bright for sensitive eyes
but how I love the radiant sunshine,
the dappled dancing on the sea,
the warmth of heated sand beneath my feet
and then again retreat…
to the lengthening shadows and the shade
of the ancient spreading oak
to look in wonder at the warm glow
of the changing light.
And sound with the volume turned down.
My friend told me 432 is the wave length of nature (and God)
and that’s just fine for me.
The sweet bird song,
the rustling leaves in the breeze,
the chants and melodies that sooth my soul.
Fade out the discordant clatter and bang,
the strimmer and the driller
that crowd my brain
agitate and resonate with pain.
Fibro you lead me back to my very self,
show me equilibrium
and when the scales are balanced
and I know how to keep them there
slowly you take away your counter weight,
release me gently from your embrace,
let me walk free,
with your blessing.
Free to be me.
I AM free.
Painted in oils in free expression in 2014. Its first title was ‘Over the moon’ as I saw my freedom in it and celebrated that. My guardian angel and a guide are so close by to me that we almost merge. I was encouraged to keep some pink angel’s wings of my own!!
‘From the Chrysalis’ was also painted in 2014 the same year that I wrote this poem. More than 4 years later they have come together.