From the Chrysalis

 

From the chrysalis (lighter).jpg
From the chrysalis

Finding Myself 

Fibromyalgia you hold me in your embrace.

If I fight with you, if I don’t like you

I am rejecting my very self.

I will learn to love and accept you

and I will expand it to myself

so well that I don’t need your help anymore.

That is the way to go.  And have I not tried?

‘I am ready, I am ready’, please hear my cry.

I AM ready to walk free; pain free.

 

Your love is suffocating me. 

I feel like you might extinguish me. 

The pain I feel is crippling me.

Is it limiting me?

Or do you push me on and on to look deeper into me.

I am trying to love you because what else can I do?

They say God works in mysterious ways.

 

There is no pill to take, no remedy, no cure. 

With fibro there is no get out clause,

no opt out, not trap door.

I must look you face on,

cannot evade what I must see….

I have to keep on looking into the depth of me.

 

No longer on the run…

that used up my reserves,

took me right up to collapse,

ignored all signs that I needed to replenish

from the inside out.

 

And how would I have known

if you had not slowed me down,

shown me how to walk and then to crawl

and at times how not to move at all.

 

Stamina had been the game and the aim;

an endurance test I set myself

to punish me for all I’d failed to be.

 

I was living beyond my capacity

Stretched to the limit of my elasticity

Fibro you saved me from the snap that was sure to come,

allowed me to release,

slowed me down, let me down…

You saved my life

and yet I treat you like you took it from me.

 

Let me remember gratitude

in every slowed down step

as the beauty along the wayside soaks into me,

nourishes me, expands my heart,

reaches me, joins with me,

until I tire once again,

retreat to home,

rest my body ache,

let the dull pain hurt from neck to toe.

‘Oh fibro, I am ready, I am ready now.

Please let me go.’

 

I trust that this is true

as I am guided step by step

to peel away the layers

and move closer to the core of me

now to emerge delicately

as the newly born pain free me.

 

FM you have tuned me in and tuned me out

with static in between;

 

 Canary in the mine

of the molecules of chemicals. 

You know what’s in the air

and keep me from harm.

Hear me out or shoot me down.

 

And light too bright for sensitive eyes

but how I love the radiant sunshine,

the dappled dancing on the sea,

the warmth of heated sand beneath my feet

and then again retreat…

to the lengthening shadows and the shade

of the ancient spreading oak

to look in wonder at the warm glow

of the changing light.

 

And sound with the volume turned down.  

My friend told me 432 is the wave length of nature (and God)

and that’s just fine for me.

The sweet bird song,

the rustling leaves in the breeze,

the chants and melodies that sooth my soul. 

 

Fade out the discordant clatter and bang,

the strimmer and the driller

that crowd my brain

agitate and resonate with pain.

 

Fibro you lead me back to my very self,

show me equilibrium

and when the scales are balanced

and I know how to keep them there

slowly you take away your counter weight,

release me gently from your embrace,

let me walk free,

with your blessing.

 

Free to be me.

I AM free.

 

I am free - with guardian angel and master
I am free

Painted in oils in free expression in 2014.  Its first title was ‘Over the moon’ as I saw my freedom in it and celebrated that.  My guardian angel and a guide are so close by to me that we almost merge.  I was encouraged to keep some pink angel’s wings of my own!!

‘From the Chrysalis’ was also painted in 2014 the same year that I wrote this poem.  More than 4 years later they have come together.

 

 

 


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